Millie's scar
Quotes from Millie's Scar
‘Will others cry when I die?’ Millie asked.
‘Is that what this was about?’ he bent to sharpen his pencil over the napkin, raising his eyebrows, frowning and inclined his head.
‘Probably. Why do you care? Besides, you are still young for such thoughts.’
‘I just want to know, it's important to me.’
‘Probably some of them will cry, and others won't, it will depend’ - he said, continuing to work intently on thе already deadly point of the pencil.
‘It depends on what?’ she asked.
‘On a lot of things,’ he left the pencil and the knife, leaned back and continued, glancing at her, then letting his gaze drift to the window.
‘Whether there is someone to cry for you, whether you are young or old, whether you are beautiful or ugly, whether ....’
‘Wait, ugly? What difference does that make?’
‘Oh, it does, believe me! People tend to cry more for the beautiful ones.’
***
Millie began to sob. Her tears dripped, she could not calm down, but she had to. She had to figure out how to escape. But her mind was empty, the horror paralysing her.
“Please, please just leave us alone, we won't tell anybody, I swear to you. She tried to be convincing, the tears streaming from her eyes. Greg grabbed her and pulled her roughly.
“Get in the bath, whore!”
Millie grew rigid, fear stopped her limbs working. She didn’t want to move because that would mean they would hurt her. She stumbled, blinded by her tears, as Greg dragged her towards the bathroom.
”I told you to move, you'll save yourself a beating if you do what I say!” he growled and shoved her into the bathroom. He followed her in, undoing his fly. Millie stared at him and trembled. She pleaded with him again.
“Please, I can see you're not as cruel than your friend. You’ve not done anything yet, you can get away with this if you just leave now.” Even before the words left her mouth, Greg slapped her so hard that she found herself on the ground in the narrow bathroom. Her head hit the pipes, and she wet herself again. He turned the cold shower on her. Millie began crying loudly, screaming as loud as she could. Greg grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to her feet, as she shook from terror and cold.
“Don’t you care about your life, whore? You're saying that I'm softer than Cloudy?” he laughed, pushing his face close to hers. It was only then she saw the tiny tattooed tear at the side of his right eye. She had read somewhere that murderers in prison tattooed tears on their faces. A tear drop for every victim.
***
Tim climbed the stairs when suddenly Elza turned a cold and piercing look and asked, looking at Millie right in the eyes.
“Millie, what did you bring for dinner?”
“Millie was startled, she had bought nothing. Tim told her that since she had provided lunch, he would provide the dinner, and she had agreed. “I'm so stupid” she thought.
“Well, Tim told me that ... he would get….” Millie panicked, widening her eyes, wondering where to look, anywhere but Elza's scowling eyes. She felt trapped, like a guilty child, a criminal, bruised with humiliation. She felt she had to buy something immediately. She thought she would clean up the place but even if she did, any good impression was probably already gone.
“Oh, Tim said so! Then Tim won’t eat!” She raised her eyebrows and continued to stare at Millie. "Who do you think you are, some princess?!" I said clearly what you had to do, and what did you do?
"I’m sorry, Elza, at lunchtime I bought lunch for all of us, and he said he'd buy dinner."
"Ah, I see! Again, it’s his fault!"
"No, I'm not saying it’s his fault."
"What are you saying then, stupid?" Elza shouted in her face, lifting herself with hands on the table, and getting closer to her. Liam and Pete looked at her, but said nothing, they were silent.
"It’s okay, I'll go now and buy some food, the shop is still open." Millie stood up and walked to the door.
"You’ll do no such thing, get back here and sit down!"
Millie did not know what to think. She knew she was in the wrong according to the rules of the house, and had to buy something, but now she was confused. She returned to her chair, her eyes on the floor.
"You’ll stay hungry tonight to learn that the rules of this house are to be respected!" She let out a blood curdling scream that terrified Millie." Do you understand?!" she yelled.
Millie's heart was beating quickly and loudly. She shuddered. If she had any place to go, she would have immediately left, but before that she would definitely tell this old crone that she was out of her mind.
"All right," she managed to utter.
"Give me all your money! Immediately!" said Elza and hit the table with her fist. The two cups on the table bounced, and the improvised ashtray disgorged its contents all over the table. Elza pushed them back into the ashtray with one swing, and shouted again:
"What did you not understand about staying here?"
***
"How do I know when I have met my true love, Hugh?"
Hugh did not hear her. With small tweezers, he grabbed small screws and, with a tiny screwdriver, screwed them onto a computer board. Millie stood by the door watching him, enchanted by his movements. He selected one more small screw, but it fell. He tried again, but it slipped away. Millie held her breath. He gripped it tightly with the tweezers and placed it in the opening. With the other hand he began to slowly and gently screw it up. Millie waited for him to finish and repeated her question.
"How do I know when I have met my true love, Hugh?"
Suddenly Hugh raised his head. His irises were bloody red. Millie was startled and upset by his appearance.
"I don’t have time for stupid questions, Milla.”
Something was happening, Millie did not know what, but some tension was floating in the air. She looked around, as if everything was trembling. She again looked at Hugh.
He abruptly stood up with his hands gripping his desk and shouted with the voice of the devil:
“YOU DON’T HAVE TIME!”
***
A strong bang from a fist hit her door three times. Millie froze. Her heart was about to burst out of fear. What did they want and wasn’t there anyone in this hostel to prevent the other guests from being harassed? The old Millie would have gone down to the reception and made a scene, but she did not dare. She held her breath, trembling under the blanket, waiting. She decided it was best to get her stuff together and packed her backpack. If she had to flee, she would be prepared. The radiator wasn’t warm enough, her clothes were not yet dry. She gathered all the rest and sat down again in bed. About half an hour passed. There were no noises. Millie slipped under the covers and fell asleep.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
It was like some form of torture, she couldn’t stand it anymore. If it didn’t stop, they would bring her to madness. She could hear a strange hissing noise and her befuddled mind thought they were trying to gas her. She shivered and wept with exhaustion and fear. She covered her head and prayed. She was praying to be left alone. She just wanted a little sleep. She was barely breathing. After a while, she drifted off yet again.
Bam!
Millie kept the blanket over her head. This nightmare seemed endless.
***
How was she to live with this? Arghhhh! - she wanted to scream.
"Damn you, Greg, I hate you!" She said aloud. "I hope you rot in jail!” she continued in her mind. But what did it matter to her that he was in jail? Nothing. She was not safe. There were a million others like him. And he was unlikely to suffer there. He won’t be hungry and homeless, on the contrary, prisoners are looked after. Millie even found out recently that the rapists were separated from the other criminals in separate units. They would not feel their lives were in danger as she had. And with behaviour, their sentences could be reduced to a year or two. Was this justice? It was her taxes that would pay the cost of imprisoning her own rapist. And then she would pay for his integration back into society, because criminals should be given a second chance. Greg and Cloudy had abused her, stolen from her, drugged her, raped her and left her with nothing apart from the kindness of friends and strangers. The justice system had made her out to be a liar. It had mocked her. How much did Greg enjoy himself while watching her being made to look like a fool in court? And this man was to be given a second chance? Millie felt bitter towards the police, she did not feel they protect citizens and the court was intent on releasing the prisoners. And Greg was one of those 94% of cases, he slipped through the net without due punishment. That was the harsh reality. No one cared for honest citizens. They could not defend themselves, they expected the state to protect them, and believed it was doing just that until they fell into the hands of unscrupulous people. What, in fact, was the state doing to prevent the ever increasing number of rapes? Millie looked at her watch. She had another ten minutes. She took out another cigarette and lit it. She didn't feel like going in just yet, she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her. She didn't want sympathetic eyes and whispers behind her back. That's it, she suddenly realized. It came to her in a flash, she suddenly knew how the rapists should be punished.